Most people are on pins and needles as election day approaches. So it is a good time to step back, count our blessings and maybe have a laugh or two. To that end, here are some observations from two comedic giants: George Carlin and Steven Wright. George Carlin – Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things. – Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. – I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. – Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. – One nice thing about egomaniacs: they don’t talk about other people – The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept. – I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam. – Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that. – Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. – Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did. – The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. – What was the best thing before sliced bread? – When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? – If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that s–t? – I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Steven Wright: – I intend to live forever … So far, so good. – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back. – Half the people you know are below average. – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. – OK, so what’s the speed of dark? – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink? – Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. – What happens if you get scared half to death twice? – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it. – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. – If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up. – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. – I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ….. But she left me before we met. – They say it’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it. Hope you got to chuckle. Have a great weekend My book, “Get Smarter-Be Amazed” does not reach the genius levels of George or Steven. However, the reviews on Amazon are great and many buyers end up ordering additional copies for family and friends. Visit www.tedcurtinstories.com for more information, review snippets, and direct links to Barnes and Noble and Amazon. |
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